Your blog isn’t a blog until you’ve used at least two of the three services mentioned above.

Sponsored posts – who doesn’t love ‘em? I mean, they get you money and in return the readers get… uh… errm… well, you get money!

WHAT IS A SPONSORED POST?
A sponsored post is a way to spice up your site by adding a badly-written review of a gambling website on it. You can also inform your readers about the benefits of getting a free credit report on disiznotscam.co.cc. In exchange, you are paid money. Money makes everything better.

WHAT ARE THE BENEFITS?
Actually, there are quite a few. Here’s a list:

1. The post topic is already pre-written for you. In fact, you can probably just copy a sponsored post off of another blog with the same links and use it as your own.
2. Money.
3. Err…. uh…. well… did I mention the money?

Okay, I give up. There are really no benefits whatsoever.
You know, there are actually so many reasons that I can’t write an adequate list. It would take too long.

IN SHORT…
Sign up for as many sponsored review sites as you can. If you subsequently lose all readership, who cares? All these companies look at is your pagerank! Of course, if you write sponsored reviews you lose pagerank so… The system is completely flawed foolproof!

 Thanks, Nullamatix!

Posted by Max Miroff | 5 Comments »

What could possibly be more exciting than visiting a website and having that soothing, deep voice of one of those dudes that does voice-overs for commercials come on for six seconds telling you to eat at Taco Bell? That’s right, absolutely nothing!

NetAudioAds is a new ad-serving program that plays short annoying messages for all of your readers to hate! They promise to monetize 100% of your traffic at around $10 per thousand visits ($10/cpm). Imagine going on a website with one six-second audio byte on every page. Wouldn’t that just be great?

Of course, there is one major flaw in NetAudioAds plan – everything about it. To help illustrate, I’ve created a very simple chart in which the effects of putting pay-per-play ads (that’s what they’re called, apparently) on your website with my blog as an example:

Here are the three steps that will happen:

1. You install the ad onto your blog. You are quite happy as you make five dollars on your first day!
2. Your readers are harassed by the ad. They abandon you and leave your blog shaken in the corner, crying.
3. You make enough money to buy a sandwich at the cost of your blog.

In short, participating in this program is like selling your readers.

Posted by Max Miroff | 3 Comments »

One of the photographs from Tales of Kulafunny Koalafumbi Kulafoombi Kulafumbi

Tales from Kulafumbi is a blog filled with pictures of things from Africa. Awesome pictures from Africa, actually. The blog writer, Tanya, lives in Kenya near a national park filled with alligators, hyenas, baboons, and other sorts of friendly safari animals. Tales from Kulafumbi chronicles what goes on during the day which, sadly, does not involve hand-to-hand fights with lions.

 HOW DOES IT LOOK?
In short, great. The blog has a clean, smooth design that utilizes passive shades of grey and green to augment the stunning pictures found on it. The actual images are akin to those one might find on National Geographic and the photographer clearly knows what she’s doing. Everything on Tales from Kulafumbi is so neat that I thought, at first, that I had actually cleared the dust off of my computer monitor (this was not actually the case).

WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO SAY?
Nothing. No, really, this blog has nothing wrong with it. I’m at a loss for words.

Congratulations.

Posted by Max Miroff | 5 Comments »

BradBlogging’s design boasts simplicity. Seriously, it says that it’s “using a simple template to get to what’s important: the content.” Weird headline (+1 point).

BradBlogging is possibly the most innovative and unique blog I have ever read. I mean, come on, a blog about blogging? Can’t get more original than that.

SIMPLICITY IS KEY
After speaking with the owner of the blog for a bit (his name is Brad, amazingly), I learned that he recently had a theme redesign. It focuses on simplicity and usability (even boasting this in the tagline for some reason?) without cluttering itself. This makes my job much, much harder. You see, the theme is very straightforward and yet not boring. It has achieved a perfect balance.

AW, SO I HAVE TO ACTUALLY READ THE CONTENT?
Apparently, I do. Grr. Normally I don’t have to resort to this drastic measure!

Scanning over the posts, I notice the following things:

1. Images are used, and these images are mostly relevant.
2. The content is written concisely, helpfully, and in an interesting manner.
3. Some of the content isn’t the recycled garbage of blogging-about-blogging blogs – it’s unique.

BradBlogging is steeled against my assaults. It’s like trying to beat a wall at tennis.

BECOMING NITPICKY
Time to look at the most absolutely minuscule details to criticize…

1. BradBlogging has no “About” page (+1 point). Therefore, I wouldn’t be able to e-mail him and tell him about his review. All he has is a “Thank you for reading message.”

Actually, you know what? Lets just head right along to the final scoring:

THE BEST YET

The lowest rating yet. Congratulations, Brad!

Posted by Max Miroff | 3 Comments »

The Perfect Blog Design

Sure, everyone loves some good ol’ great content, but who cares about that when you’ve got a fancy picture of a car (shiny!) as your blog header? It’s critical to have great blog design because it’s arguably the biggest factor in whether a reader stays or goes.

BENEFITS OF GREAT BLOG DESIGN
Is your content crap? Add some pictures of fake checks from Google or sports cars and people will immediately love you (see: John Chow). Oh, and I guess it’s more pleasing to the eye. Anyway. Here are some tips I’ve garnered from top-tier blogs that you should combine in order to create a blogging design hybrid that will be so good readers eyes will literally bleed.

1. Include pictures of desirable things. Cars, money, checks are the top contesters here. Try combining them all (perhaps a car made out of Franklins filled with $1000 Google checks? Just sayin’…
2. Add lots of 125×125 ad buttons. When people see 125×125 ad buttons, they know that your blog is serious business. Because 125×125 is like that.
3. Add lots of other ads. All of those big-name bloggers have plenty of ads. So should you.
4. Get a custom logo. Your custom logo should combine the things mentioned in step #1. When John Cow came out with its cowcar logo, it asserted its authority over all things cowcar-ish.
5. Publish RSS feeder counts. Even if your blog only has one subscriber (you, in an attempt to inflate your numbers), display it. If you have to, edit it and add some big number. Trust me, no one will notice that your tiny 10-visitor-per-day blog has 12,000 subscribers.

Does your blog have any of that? Hm?

That’s what I thought. Now get your Photoshop out and put it to good use.

Posted by Max Miroff | 2 Comments »

The SlamBlogger logo. I wish I knew what it was. It looks like the magic carpet from Aladdin with a crown.

(short synopsis at end)

SlamBlogger is a blog that, according to its search engine description is >he place where the A List bloggers get what’s coming to them.” This apparently translates into the blog author, Ethan Christ, writing poorly supported insults against other blogs (akin to what one might find scrawled onto a middle school bathroom stall). I decided it would be pretty fun to see my own blog get dissed, so I submitted this “cocky message from [me] wanting [Ethan] to talk shit about [my] blog” (in Ethan’s own words):

I knew it’d get him nice and riled up and it definitely did.

LESS PAINFUL THAN YOU MIGHT THINK
It appears that the only things the Slam Blogger could say about my blog were these:

• Your blog is gay.
• Your blog content is crap.
• You suck at writing.

Lets cover these points one-by-one

“BLOG GAYLY”? I DON’T THINK SO
Ethan drew up this fancy schmancy graphic of my current blog logo as he sees it:

Nice, isn’t it? Heck, if he were in Kindergarten I’d probably give him a cookie and a pat on the head! Something tells me that this isn’t the case, though. Oh, and calling my blog “gay” as a derogatory term is pretty much the same as saying its current title, Blog Badly. You can’t really insult a title that insults itself and expect it to work. Calling a blog “gay” as in homosexual is pretty pointless (I’m pretty sure blogs don’t have orientations), too.

BLOG BADLY IS ABOUT BLOGGING BADLY
I’m not sure Ethan knows what satire is, considering this entire blog is one huge glob dripping of parody, humor, and sarcasm (the actual posts, at least. The review aren’t too satirical). The purpose of the blog is to entertain, not inform (after all, who would actually listen to my tips?). Apparently Slam Blogger doesn’t understand this (perhaps that’s why his blog is so bad? ). His critique of my introduction message further solidifies this point:

(the stuff he circled is the stuff he didn’t like)

I guess if read nothing except for the “pesky visitors” part and interpreted that as me hating you(this visitor), then that might be detrimental. But you know I don’t mean that, don’t you? Hello? Guys?

Oh, and he underlined “gigantic.” I don’t know why, but the likeliest explanation is that he is a midget with a long history of being oppressed by giants. I apologize, my vertically challenged friend.

DO I SUCK AT WRITING?

I don’t think so. According to Ethan, my content is bland and sucks. No examples whatsoever. He just says it and, as we all know, he must always be right.

EIGHT WAYS FOR ME TO IMPROVE

Luckily, I was provided a handy list detailing exactly what I needed to do.

 

1. Don’t give out advice when it’s obvious that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
2. Write better posts.
3. Get a better, less gay, logo
4. Add more color to your site. (Google has more color to it than BlogGayly)
5. Move your banner to the top of your homepage, I barely noticed it way at the bottom.
6. Submit a slam of some other site so you can get another link.
7. Talk shit on your blog, and turn this into an “on-going” slam.
8. 

And what do I think about that?

1. This is like telling The Onion to stop reporting news because it’s completely false. This blog isn’t for learning – it’s for entertainment.
2. That’s a tip for everyone. Any specifics that could apply for me?
3. Will adding Aladdin’s magic carpet (ala your blog) make it any better?
4. My blog has a more expansive color scheme than yours (dark blue, light blue, lighter blue, etc etc.) I don’t think you’re in any position to talk.
5. Well, it’s gone now. You scared it away. Happy?
6. I’ll think about it
7. That’ll be fun.
8. 

Oh, and this is only the first part of Slam Blogger‘s review – expect another when I get bored and write the second part [an actual review of Slam Blogger])

Posted by Max Miroff | 5 Comments »

This is not, contrary to popular belief, the cover of the next album by [insert your favorite emo band here]

(synopsis at end)

Underground Unrest doesn’t seem to be underground nor does it fatigue me (get it? Unrest! Unrest = fati- nevermind). Still, you can’t judge from first impressions, so lets take a closer look. Actually, you can judge a book by its cover. Seriously, who thought up that one? A book called “Soviet-era Repression” isn’t going to be about ponies and pixie dust. In the same sense, Underground Unrest probably won’t be about happy things or beds either. Time to investigate!

MORE FIRST IMPRESSIONS
The colors blend quite well overall – grey, white, dark grey, grey, white, grey, grey. Can’t go wrong with that.

You can go wrong with sidebars, though (most blogs do). And Underground Unrest has done just that.

• The right sidebar flows together like a muddled grey river filled with words (+1 point). There are no labellings for “recent comments,” “recent posts,” “tags,” or “blogroll.” I was left scratching my head as to why Mayor McCheese said something about “listening to them…” on the blog.
• Recent visitors sticks out like useless, sore thumb on the left sidebar (+1 point). Awesome, you get visitors from Canada! I don’t care!
• The one thing that might come close to mattering (a “vote for me” badge) is kept on the bottom of the left sidebar below the useless visitor widget (+1 point). If you want votes, put it above the fold. Otherwise it looks like you’re too scared to ask.

Oh, and how do I get back to the homepage (+1 point)? The header is not clickable and there is no visible “home” button.

WHAT’S IT ALL ABOUT?
That’s my one question – what the hell am I reading? There’s no “About” page nor are there any categories (+1 point). Therefore, I can only rely on the tags. Lets see a short sampling: dead, drugs, Britney Spears, funny, the serpent curse. Thanks for clearing that up, Jaden (the blog owner).

It actually has some funny stuff, though. After reading a couple of posts I’ve realized that it’s mainly humor – funny pictures mixed with satirical articles (at least I hope an evil coalition of clowns doesn’t really want to kill America’s children!). I got some laughs out of reading it.

DRUMROLL, PLEASE

Lets tally up the score (every point is a thumbs down!):

1. The sidebar is messy.
2. Recent visitors – who cares?
3. If you want to get votes on Fuel My Blog, display the button more prominently.
4. I can’t get back home!
5. Uhm. What the hell am I reading?

Underground Unrest may not yet have achieved A- B- C-list status, but at least it’s halfway there.

This has been a Bad Blog Review. Want a review of your blog? Just contact me at moneymoose.com@gmail.com or use the contact form. All I ask is some recognition for it. Click here for more details.

Posted by Max Miroff | 2 Comments »

Money News has quite a snazzy logo.

(short synopsis at end)

The first thing I noticed when I visited this site was the domain – MoneyNe.ws. It’s use of the “.ws” domain (from Samoa) is very clever. So clever, in fact, that I’m going to give it -1 point.

ONTO THE DESIGN
Money News has the best design of any blog I’ve reviewed so far (and that’s not saying much). It has a custom logo – always a good addition to a blog – which is almost as good as Blog Badly’s own. In fact, the whole header is quite well made and I have no comments or witty sayings about it. No, really. It’s perfectly fine.

On the other hand, the post formatting has one thing that annoys me – a “Read More” button (+1 point). I don’t want to spend the extra two seconds clicking that to finish reading a post! What’s worse is that these cutoffs appear randomly. On the front page there is a long post with no “Read More” button and a shorter post just above it with one. If you’re going to pick something pointless to do, at least be consistent with it! (+1 point)

WIDGETS YET AGAIN
The sidebars of this blog appear clean at first until I come upon two widgets that I find utterly pointless (+1 point):

• Blog Catalog Recent Visitors. The site is great and all, but who cares?
• Scratchback. It’s like buying text links except you don’t get any Google love for them (it’s nofollow).

Space could be better spent on anything, really. Perhaps Mitch (the owner of the site) should take a look at my post about blog pizazz? I’m sure a dancing World of Warcraft character would make a great addition to his sidebar.

SO HOW ABOUT THAT CONTENT?
Money News is about money news, but not about all money news. It’s about World of Warcrack Warcraft too. About how Mitch makes money from World of Warcraft, actually. He gets paid to play games (as his header prominently states. Lucky) because, apparently, people spend real money on imaginary virtual game money so that they can buy imaginary Gauntlets of +5 Strength for their imaginary Gnome warlock. Heck, sometimes it’s not even about money at all. Money News has at least three posts up with various World of Warcraft commercials. Still, I guess those commercials were bought and produced for money and they made people go to the store and buy Wor-

Okay, so it’s about money.

SO, IN SHORT…
I really can’t talk smack about Money News. It’s overall a good blog. But, for the convenience of you, my esteemed reader, lets run over the points:

1. Good use of the “.ws” domain name! -1 point
2. Egh. What if I don’t want to “read more”?
3. What if I do want to “read more,” and you don’t consistently include it – even if the posts you include it on are short while the posts that are long don’t include it…
4. Useless widgets. Replace them with pizazz!

And, using the one-point-equals-one-thumb-down system, Mitch’s blog scores a…

Money News is heading down the path to success. It must be stopped.

This has been a Bad Blog Review. Want a review of your blog? Just contact me at moneymoose.com@gmail.com or use the contact form. All I ask is some recognition for it. Click here for more details.

Posted by Max Miroff | 4 Comments »

Everyone loves useless widgets! It’s a fact! Otherwise, why would so many blogs use them? Honestly, who hasn’t seen those weird clock widgets or BlogCatalog “recent visitor” badges? Hm? That’s right. They’re everywhere. Like the plague. Now that’s viral marketing (cue cheesy joke drumroll).

WHERE CAN I FIND USELESS CRAP TO PUT ON MY BLOG?

I’m glad you asked! Probably the most useless graphics are those used on MySpace profiles, so why not check on those sites? Here are a few of the top pizazz providers:

• MySpaceJunks.com – at least the title is truthful. It truly is junk.
• UselessGraphics.com – see above
• Gifs.net – Make no mistake – although the title does not include anything about trash, this website has a lot.

WHERE TO CRAM THE USELESS GLITTER AND GRAPHICS
Everywhere! Add them to posts! Add them to your sidebars! Replace your header with a picture of Bugs Bunny dancing! Turn your RSS feed button into a flaming skull! Anything is possible!

THE WORST OF THE WORST
Here are some examples of exactly the type of graphics you are looking for:

Note the red substance that your eyes are emitting? That is blood. When your eyes begin to bleed, you know that you have achieved a perfect combination of pizazz on your blog. Prolonged staring at these images may cause blindness and nightmares.

Posted by Max Miroff | 3 Comments »

The VVIDE logo. It’s… uh… blue, I guess.

(short synopsis at the end)

VVIDE almost confused me with its title. Almost. But, alas, I was too clever for its tricks. It is not actually “Wide,” but is V-V-I-D-E. Nice try, you evil blog! But your dastardly schemes are foiled again!

WHERE AM I?
VVIDE doesn’t feature too many navigational choices. I don’t see recent posts or popular posts, no sir. I just see archives and categories (+1 point). Even the link that leads back to the homepage is a ninja – it hides until I move to a page other than the homepage and, once I am there, stealthily turns into a shade of inconspicuous clickable orange from a static black (+1 point). The header is not clickable either. At least the design of the blog matches this theme of desolation – the stark grey background combined with the blurred header makes it look like an inhospitable tundra (+1 point).

NO, SERIOUSLY, WHERE AM I?
VVIDE writes about a fairly large amount of topics. I mean this seriously. On the front page are articles about subprime mortgages, angels crying, and people marrying goats. I can’t even make a joke up for that. That is the joke. Still, I have no complaints. Visiting this blog is like reaching into a mystery box.

I THINK I’M LOST
If you want to subscribe to VVIDE’s RSS, then good luck finding it. It’s buried deep underneath all of the content in an unattractive link format (+1 point). By the time you get there, you’re already wondering what you were trying to accomplish.

WAIT, I RECOGNIZE THESE LANDMARKS
Widgets! Lots of them! Lots of widgets I don’t want (+1 point)

1. Some sort of TopSpots widget. I’m supposed to pay to get on it. There are way better ways of monetizing your blog than this service, seeing as how it doesn’t even provide any link love. It’s empty, by the way.
2. BlogCatalog recent visitors. It’s great seeing my avatar on your blog, but who really cares? It seems like it’s just filler.
3. Total visitor counter. Although less obtrusive than others I’ve seen, it seems unnecessary. But hey, if that’s what you like, sure.

IN SHORT…
Lets tally up the points:

1. Wha? Where do I go?
2. How do I get to the home page? Why can’t I click on your header? Arghh!
3. The colors seem desolate.
4. I want to subscribe. But how? Where? Why don’t you have a generic shiny graphic?
5. Whats up with the pointless filler widgets?

VVIDE gets 5 thumbs down. It’s halfway good and halfway bad. It’s like Humpty Dumpty sitting on his wall. VVIDE just needs a nudge in either direction to get going.

This has been a Bad Blog Review. Want a review of your blog? Just contact me at moneymoose.com@gmail.com or use the contact form. All I ask is some recognition for it. Click here for more details.

Posted by Max Miroff | 4 Comments »